Sitting at home on a Sunday night, coming up with yet another timesaving plan for organizing my notes on “Rewriting Personal Narrative.” I have about 20,000 words I have written over the last 2-3 years but only recently have I actually tried to be disciplined about the project. As you can see above, my journals I tabbed from 2005-2010, I would be a good candidate for graphomania. I know those two cartons don’t seem like much but I was also writing blogs, stories, poetry, a play during the same period. Not that I am trying to say any of it was good. Far from it, a lot of my journals, like so many others, is repetition. Perhaps repetition compulsion, as stated on Wikipedia as, “covers the repetition of behaviour or life patterns more broadly: a ‘key component in Freud’s understanding of mental life, “repetition compulsion”…describes the pattern whereby people endlessly repeat patterns of behaviour which were difficult or distressing in earlier life.'”
In many ways I think journal writing is an attempt to “write yourself out of” (this is the emotional texture of my life, but this is what I want it to feel like) or “convince yourself of”(you circle and circle and circle some issue over and over and endlessly chew on it instead of accepting it) something you refuse to acknowledge. We are all, in some ways, repeating the same 90% percent of ourselves as a mantra in our mind, because that is who we have accepted ourselves to be. It is the 10% that is freedom, new thoughts, a ray of light perhaps in an adult mind where wonder and magic can be stamped out by bills, the joneses, the reminder and fear of mortality. One quote that has helped me is from Chogyam Trungpa, in “Shambhala, The Sacred Path of the Warrior”
“Self deception arises because you are afraid of your own intelligence and afraid that you won’t be able to deal properly with your life. You are unable to acknowledge your own innate wisdom. Instead, you see wisdom as some monumental thing outside yourself.”
Or in my interpretation, you repeat your words of wisdom on the page, over and over, when you know the answers already. You just refuse to believe what you already know, at an intuitive rather than intellectual level.